Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
