Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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