I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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