You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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