.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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