the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
