ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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