Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
