is your mom at the bar?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize