I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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