I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
