I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
