I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
