i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
