no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize