In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
