can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Boobs speak an international language.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
