the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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