Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
