Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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