Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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