I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
