last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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