I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
