I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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