she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
