bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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