He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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