Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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