He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i think i just lost a toe
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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