FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
