i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
