So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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