I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
