My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize