Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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