this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
