You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
