I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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