Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
