I just threw up on my dentist
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
