I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
