Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
