Just took my morning after pill in the library
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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