i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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