Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
