I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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