Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
