fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
