i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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