he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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