I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
