we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
