My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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