You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
