I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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