woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
love makes seman taste better
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize